How did I start my journey again?

All I wanted was some time, with myself, to assess what’s going on.

I wanted to listen to my thoughts.

I wanted to see, where I was heading.

I wanted to feel, how did I feel.

I wanted to smell the energy I carried.

And I wanted to check the taste of life I was living.

And for that I needed some time.

Some real time; without any noise, without any distraction & without any commitments.

Just me and my senses.

As they say, what you seek is seeking you.

I got what I wanted.

Time with myself, with no noise around, no distraction & no real commitment.

And that scared the hell out of me.

I wanted all of that but I never thought what I would do when I have that time.

All of a sudden I am looking for the questions I wanted to ask myself, because I can’t have answers if I don’t have questions itself.

I sat down, meditated as always to bring the pressure down, got up & looked out of the window. I am yet to see a calmer world.

I kept all the distractions away; my mind wanted me to check the feed on my social media & I almost gave up and went to take my phone but somehow controlled myself.

I can’t let this opportunity slip away just like that.

I sat, sat and sat there for minutes together without doing anything but thinking what I wanted to ask myself.

Everything is sorted, I have a well-paid secured job, I have family I love and they love me, I have friends I can rely upon, I am healthy with body and mind, what else is there to worry about, to think about.

I closed my eyes.

Nothing but a series of events, people & places flashed over my mind.

And then slowly it dawned on me, slowly a voice within emerged out of the debris of darkness around it & I saw another self residing in one corner of myself. It was way different than my outer self.

I looked at it & smiled.

It didn’t.

I said hello.

It didn’t respond.

I wanted to open my eyes and run away from him but as if it had hypnotized me, my eyes didn’t follow my instructions.

I pushed them to open again, they didn’t.

I had to come back again to my another self.

Now he looked at me and smiled, a sarcastic one.

We remained in our positions until my another self opened its mouth.

‘so you wanted to meet me, Hmmm?’

‘Ummm…”-I was dumbstruck.

‘okay…I know what’s that for. I was waiting for you to come for ages, good that you came.’

‘is it so?’-I thought-‘but why?’

‘I know what you are looking for.’

I remained silent.

‘I expected you to come to me for answers, but now when you have come to me for questions, I will give you them, but answers for them, you only have to find out.’

He was carrying on without waiting for my answer.

First one.

Are you living at your highest potential?

‘No’- I said to myself.

Have you found your purpose, your calling?

Again I gave no for an answer to myself.

Are you being true, honest with yourself?

Answer for this was in some range of uncertainty.

Are you giving back to the society?

‘To an extent Yes’- I felt a big relief after finally answering yes for a question.

Are you enjoying yourself?

Boom. I never thought about that. Can I enjoy myself, should I? and what does enjoying with myself mean?

My inner self came up with so many other questions after that but I couldn’t focus on any of them.

I told him to stop.

‘why? What happened?’- He said.

‘I am confused’

He laughed-‘that was expected’

‘what should I do?’

‘meet me often but before that find answers to at least some of the questions I posed to you. I know it’s not easy to find answers for them, it’s not easy to get what so many others are not able to get.’

‘then I am doomed?’-I interrupted.

‘not yet’- He consoled-‘at least you are aware that you need to talk to yourself, at least you are listening to me. I know that you have done this earlier also but again got busy in your things.’

I winced.

He continued- ‘what I request you now is that at least start the process, and follow it, meet me often, I will guide you, I know what you want but I want you to become aware of that. I can give your answers now itself but I know you won’t be able to accept them until it comes from your own search, your own experiences which will make you ready to implement them.’

‘I know’- he added-‘your answer is No for most of the questions I posed to you and that’s okay but it’s not okay to live with that No. Find why is that answer No, work to make that Yes and the process of making that answer from No to Yes is the only way you can get what you are looking for. Got it?’

I nodded in affirmation. I could see some light in the endless tunnel I was in.

‘Superb. Then we will meet whenever you want, whenever you need any guidance, but I can only help you only if you help yourself. Take care.’

With that it disappeared within me somewhere I couldn’t locate.

I could feel lightness in my eyes as if some lock had been opened, some barrier had been broken.

I slowly opened them.

It was all surreal. As if I was in some other world, as if I had woke up after a long sleep, everything which I connected before closing my eyes, all felt alien.

Then slowly all of it sank in and I felt a sense of relief.

Some curtains had been moved, some light had been lit & some puzzles had been solved.

No pressure of results now, no pressure of winning now, all I had to do was follow the process.

What was that process?

That was my job to find.

I got up and got busy in searching for the answers for that; I knew at least these answers the world around me can provide.

I started my journey once again.